The "coming out" post.

It turns out I just needed a week-long break. A mere seven days to make me realize how much I enjoy getting on the Internet and telling the world about how wonderful my family is. Though while I was on my short sabbatical, I analyzed where my stress was coming from. I think my stress stemmed from the fact that I didn't feel like I was doing this for me. I was doing it for family and friends and strangers alike, which has some value and does create joy for others, but it caused some strife for me because I was censoring myself. There are things I wanted to put out there, but felt I couldn't for fear of being judged by the people I knew in real life. (Ahem. See Parenting Hypocrisy.)

If I want to continue this blogging thing for me, I thought to myself, then what do I want to do differently? I do enjoy putting up cute pictures of my boys because they are the center of my world (all three of them) and I like having a way to document their days and lives... but I could just as easily do that in a baby book. In one of the many I already have that are blank because why would I do a blog AND a baby book? There isn't enough time in the day for both.

Do I want to practice my writing composition skills? Negative. I never really had any of these "skills" to practice in the first place.

Do I want a place to hone my comedic edge? If you know me, then you just laughed at that statement... how ironic. Anyway, no. I'm happy with my corny one-liner jokes.

And I decided that if I'm going to continue doing this, I'm going to be honest about who I am. Sure, I'll still put up funny pictures and stories about the boys, but I'm interested in making this more introspective as well. I enjoyed writing that Parenting Hypocrisy post and I want to do more of it. It's a nice way for me to think through this parenting (and life) thing and get honest feedback from other people. So you think I'm crazy for not pretending Santa is real? Well, then tell me. Just know that I'm not going to be shamed into doing something I think is wrong. Regardless, it'd be nice to know how you feel about the topic, since I think people are a little too afraid to say judge-y things in real life.

So. Here we are. Hi. My name is Kelly. And I'm an anarchist.

Boom.

Parenting hypocrisy

John and I talk often about parenting philosophies and have decided that we want to have parenting principles that will apply across the board. For one thing, it's less confusing for children when you're consistent and for another it makes application of rules easier when there isn't as much grey area to deal with.

For instance, we don't want to lie to our kids (and most parents don't, right?). So, we aren't doing the Santa thing or the Easter bunny thing, because when it comes down to it, we'd be lying to them about the existence of these fantastical creatures. I know it's not a popular thing to do, but we feel like it's the right thing.

Anyway, another principle we've been trying to figure out how to apply is the "sharing" thing. See, when you go to a park and you get out snacks or toys, you're expected to share, right? So, when we've gone places and another kid wants the toy that Johnny is playing with, my first reaction is to tell him to share. Well, this bites me squarely in the butt when Johnny manages to grab something I don't particularly want him to have, like my phone or a kitchen knife (yes, he has grabbed a kitchen knife off the counter before). When I go to take it from him, he'll jerk it away from my and say, "Share?" That always made me stop. How can I expect my child to share his things with others when I won't share certain things with him? Quite the pickle.

Finally, John and I came to the conclusion that he doesn't have to share if he doesn't want to. The flip side of this is that the kid at the park with the cool truck doesn't have share either. I know this is going to be a difficult thing to enforce with a toddler (toddlers say, "What is yours is mine and what is mine is mine", right?), but at least it'll be consistent, which is worth it to me.

Just wait.

I am so sick of hearing those two little words: Just wait.

When I was pregnant with Johnny and complaining about being tired since my pregnant body wouldn't let me get into a comfortable position, people said, "Just wait until that baby comes, THEN you'll be tired!"

When I managed to get down to my pre-pregnancy weight after only four months of having Johnny people said, "Just wait until you have your second baby! THEN we'll see how easy the weight comes off."

When I was talking about how mobile Johnny was when he learned to crawl and how fun it was, people said, "Just wait until he can walk! THEN we'll see how great you think it is."

When I was pregnant with Hank and complaining about being able to just sit down while taking care of Johnny (because he was a Nazi about people resting at all) people said, "Just wait until you have TWO babies! THEN we'll see how tired you are."

When I would tell people about how I wanted to go without pain meds for Hank's birth people said, "Just wait until you feel those labor pains! Then we'll see how fast you ask for those pain medications."

And a couple of days ago, while talking to another mother of two about how the first two months with two babies haven't been as bad as I was expecting, she said, "Oh, just wait! It'll get worse, I promise you."

I admit that I have said those two little words on occasion, but after that mother made her comment a couple of days ago, the negativity of them has finally clicked.

The people around me, strangers and friends alike, that I have talked to about anxieties, fears, complaints or even what I'm proud of have downplayed my emotions by telling me that my future is a black abyss of exhaustion and frustration. That the only good thing I have going for me is that this moment doesn't suck nearly as much is the next moment will.

I refuse to believe that.

So when the pregnant mom with her 15-month-old girl asked me what it is like to have two babies so close together, because she'll be there in two short months, I told her that it hasn't been as bad as everyone told me it would be. Yes, I'm tired, but it's not worse than the exhaustion I felt with the first one and it's outweighed by how much less your second baby cries because you know what you're doing. She walked away with a smile.

The next time you're about to tell someone, "just wait [insert snarky comment here]"... just don't. Say something positive, you'll feel better about it.

Has anyone else had that "just wait" thing thrown in their face?

My first week as a mother of 2

Last week was my first *real* week as a mother of two. Up until last week, I had lots of help. John stayed home from work for a week, his mother stayed with us for a little over a week, my dad and stepmom came for a really long weekend and my mom has been in and out for the last three weeks helping here and there.

This week, it was just me. I have to admit, I was rather intimidated by the whole thing on Sunday night.

But it all went relatively well... surprisingly. Juggling Hank and Johnny hasn't been difficult because Hank is still pretty sleepy and a snuggler to boot. I pack him up in my ring sling (my savior) and we just follow Johnny around all day. Luckily, Johnny doesn't seem to mind playing independently while I nurse Hank. I just have to make sure I pick an appropriate place to nurse... a childproof place is best, like our playroom with the bookcases bolted to the walls and the television secured to the wall with high tension wire in studs. When I pick an inappropriate place, Johnny ends up pulling a barstool on himself and making me wonder if he has a concussion... but that's another story for another day. I believe I was talking about how well this week went...

I noticed that everything comes down to timing, as life does in many cases. Knowing that Johnny goes down for a nap at 1, I would try to get Hank sleeping around 12:30 so I could focus my attention on Johnny for a good half hour. Did that work every day? Nope, not even close. Hank had to cry by himself for a good fifteen minutes on Friday while I put Johnny down... and guess what? He lived through the experience. I would NEVER have done that with Johnny, so this is whole I-can't-pay-attention-to-you-because-I-have-more-important-things-to-attend-to thing is entirely new to me. In the morning, I leave Hank all alone in his bassinet (sometimes sleeping, sometimes just chilling) while I get Johnny up and dressed for the day. I think I can count on one hand how many times I left Johnny alone in his first month of life. Oh, how things change with the second one.

So let me give myself a shout out for surviving the week: You go mama! You rock that double offspring lifestyle!

In the ring sling

The Maya Wrap ring sling. So awesome.

Johnny providing moral support for Hank's tummy time.

Silly face during our photo shoot.

Hank's birth story: Part II

The car ride wasn’t nearly as bad as I had expected. Yes, I was uncomfortable, but it felt good to sit and recline a little since I had been bending over practically the entire day. About halfway there, I started tensing up like crazy during the peak of a contraction even though I had gotten pretty good at relaxing through each one. John gently tried to soothe me and tell me to release the tension in my body to which I replied, “But I feel like I have to push!” So John drove a little faster.

We arrived at the Best Start birth center at 4:15PM, walked into my first choice birthing room (no one else was there that day) and Ashley, the midwife, took one look at me and said, “Okay, let’s have this baby!” I immediately stepped into the bath she had prepared and it felt heavenly. I still felt like I had to push, but not as badly as I did in the car, so I got checked by Ashley and she said I was at 9 cm and had to wait a little before I could do any pushing. So instead of pushing through the contraction (like I wanted) she said to blow air out through each contraction… which was hell. It wasn’t too hard at first, but after a few contractions it got harder and harder to keep from pushing. Finally, I abandoned all pretenses of blowing through my lips and just pushed long and hard. Somewhere in there I said I wanted to get into a squat position, so John and the team helped me up so I could hold onto a bar and still be in the tub. After a few good hard pushes, I could actually feel the baby’s head with my fingers! Of course, at the time I felt like I had been working forever and said, “That’s as far as we are?” The next thing I knew, the head was crowning and I was told to stop pushing for a little bit and breathe out in short breaths so that I could give my tissues time to stretch. At the time I felt like I wasn’t doing it well, but I was reassured later that I did a great job pausing when I was supposed to. One big push and the head was out, so I reached down and felt my baby’s face, which was incredible. Then I was told to give one more big push so the rest of the body could come out, so I did… but nothing happened. That’s when I felt the midwife turning the baby a little more to get the shoulders out because the shoulders were really wide. After that, the baby slid out and was handed to me between my legs and I pulled him out of the water and onto my chest. I was helped back into a lying position on my back (still in the tub) and I just admired my little baby boy with John.

Henry “Hank” Robert Durso arrived at 4:58PM, about 45 minutes after I walked into the birth center at 9cm dilated. He weighed 9lbs, 4oz. and measured 21.5 inches long. Quite a big boy! Despite his size, I didn't tear a single millimeter and have only been slightly sore, compared to last time (which probably has more to do with it being my second time) and I experienced "birth euphoria" for more than 24 hours afterward. Right when I got out of the bath I was all smiles and completely high, which lasted until the next evening. It was an incredible feeling to have brought my child into the world naturally.

John was an amazing birth coach, doing all the right things so I never had to instruct him or snap at him; while I was pushing, he was encouraging me and never took a hand off me, making sure I always knew he was there. And now, he's being a great dad of 2, which enormous help from my fantastic mother-in-law, but that's a different post for a different day. 


Thanks to everyone for all of their well wishes on facebook, email, phone, and texts! 


Now here's Hank!

Hank's birth story

Considering how short the whole birth thing really was, I wrote a really long story to publish... because it was an incredible experience. So, I'm going to take a page out of my sister-in-law Lisa's, book blog and publish in two parts. That way it won't be so boring. :)

Well, my labor probably began at about 3AM on Friday morning, when I continually woke up with back pain that felt like menstrual cramps. The cramps continued all morning, but I was pretty convinced that it was just “false labor” since I had been told by many a mother to expect many false starts. So I just ignored it.

 Johnny and I went on a one-mile walk with a friend of mine in the morning and I figured that since the cramps weren’t slowing me down, I was definitely not in labor… but then I had trouble keeping up with Johnny when he was running around the playground. So we went home and I called my doula to let her know what I was feeling, but this definitely couldn’t be labor because I was only feeling pain below my navel and in my back. I remembered having contractions that were much more violent and covered the entire abdomen when I was induced with Johnny. She said to keep her updated, which I promised to do.

Then sometime around 12PM I decided to time these “cramps” which turned out to be lasting about a minute and coming about 3 to 4 minutes apart… but I was still sure this was a just a false start, so I waited until later to call anyone. Luckily, my mom had come over for a planned playtime with Johnny, so I got to take a warm shower and walk around to distract myself from the pain. Finally, I called John around 2PM and asked if he could come home a little earlier than usual just in case. He asked if I had called the midwife yet and suggested I should just to give her a heads up. The midwife on call, Ashley, spent a few minutes asking me some questions about the contractions and timing and all of that. I had a few contractions while we were talking, so she got to hear my lovely vocalizations and she convinced me that I was in labor. She told me to give her a call when I was ready to come in because I wanted to stay at home as long as possible. About fifteen minutes later, things got much more intense and I called John to tell him to come home ASAP.

During the next half hour, I labored on my own using low vocalizations and counting in my head.  I spent most of my time lying on my side or on my hands and knees to keep the baby from turning to a posterior position and thus, avoid back labor. John got home a little after 3PM and helped me through a couple of contractions before I told him he should pack up and get us moving. It’s amazing how much having him around helped me get through each contraction, he followed my instructions well and never took a hand off me unless I told him to get lost… and then he took those instructions well too.

While John packed the car I labored on the birth ball and called the doula to let her know we were leaving for the birth center. She was a little skeptical, considering I had called her a few hours earlier saying I wasn’t in labor, but she said she’d finish up the placenta she was preparing for encapsulation and head on down. Meanwhile, the contractions are getting closer together and more intense and I started crying at the peaks and in between for no reason. I had been hoping to go through transition after the car ride, but it looked like I would be transitioning in the car. John managed to pack me into the car, with a few intense contractions on the way from the house, and then on to the birth center. 

We'll finish up tomorrow with the grand finale and some pictures! 

C'est la vie

I guess many people would say that I am lucky since Johnny doesn't have separation anxiety and has never exhibited separation anxiety... with me. With Daddy, it's a COMPLETELY different story. If Johnny wakes up in the morning before John has left for work, he goes directly to the master bedroom to give Daddy a big hug (bypassing me, of course) and love on him. Once John leaves for work, it's meltdown time. If John has already left for work when Johnny gets up, we have to go through the whole house looking for Daddy. Once he finally believes that Daddy is at work, it's meltdown time. When John gets home from work, Johnny's little face lights up and he gets so excited. If Daddy goes anywhere, like the bathroom for instance, it's meltdown time. This same behavior is exhibited with both Grandma and (ESPECIALLY) Grandpa Durso. "Ma" and "Pa" are two of his favorite people for sure.

On the other hand, when Johnny and I are separated, it's no drama. For instance, when my mother-in-law comes over to watch Johnny during my prenatal appointment, he gets so excited to see "Ma" and jumps into her arms. Then he turns and looks at me and says "Bye!" Yes, Mommy is leaving, which he is pretty psyched about. Or if I come upstairs with his bottle while he and Daddy are getting ready for bed, Johnny will wave at me, say "bye!" and physically push me from the room.

I know that there are other people who get broken-hearted every time they have to leave their little one with a caretaker because of how their child reacts to their parent leaving... I have never had that heart-wrenching reaction to my child's cries for me as I walk out the door because there are no cries for me. I guess that means I'm lucky, but it also means I feel unloved a lot of the time. I know that if given the choice between me or Daddy, he will pick Daddy every time (which actually happened today), and sometimes that's hard for me to take.

Yes, I know, he's one-and-a-half years old and he's not trying to hurt my feelings, but, man, it's hard not to feel unappreciated when you have molded your entire life around your child's needs and wants and he puts you in last place. I guess that's what happens when you're a parent, right? You are the most important person in their lives, but they see you as the least important. I'll try not to expect that to change for the next 25 years or so.

Why I'm going to a birth center

Just in case you didn't know, I'm not giving birth at a hospital this time around. Well, at least I'm not intending to give birth at a hospital; an induction like last time would mean a hospital birth, but I'm doing things to prevent that this time around.

Do I feel like I had a bad experience last time? No, Sharp Mary Birch is an excellent hospital and worked out well for my first birth.

However, the more moms I talk to about their birth stories, the more I realize how lucky I was that I didn't end up with a Cesarean. It seems that a good chunk of the moms I've talked to have had a C-section and went into the whole birth experience intending to go as naturally as possible (like me) and then ended up giving birth as unnaturally as possible. Yes, there are a lot of reasons why the C-section rate in the US was up to 32% in 2007 (according to this data from the CDC) including increased use of drugs, women having children later in life, medical doctors fearing being sued, but I think the biggest problem is a lack of education on the part of the parents. So many pregnant women I knew wanted to give birth "naturally" but I didn't talk to a single one taking a Bradley class, Birthing from Within workshop, Brio Birth course, etc. Everyone I knew (myself included) intended to take the quick six-week course from the hospital. That's where the problem lies.

A hospital is a business. If they don't make money, then they can't stay open. I don't think this is a bad thing since they provide a service, they should be compensated fairly. The service they provide is a medical one; they have all of the technology necessary to make a high-risk pregnancy turn out well and that's great. But what about low-risk patients like me? I didn't have gestational diabetes, I gained the recommended 30-35 pounds, my blood pressure was excellent, I ate well and I exercised. Despite all of this, I was still treated like I was high-risk because that's what hospitals specialize in. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back I can see that's what was happening. My water broke ten days before my due date and we were instructed to go straight to the hospital to lower the risk of infection. Doesn't make any sense, right? Go to the hospital, with all of those strangers and all of those germs to decrease the risk of infection...

This time around I have done my homework. John and I have taken a Bradley Method course (which is a 12-week, 2 hour per class course) and even though we have been through a childbirth class and a birth of our own, we still learned LOTS of valuable information. We've decided to go to a birth center with a group of midwives and that experience has been a huge difference from my experience with my previous OB. I did like my OB, but there's something nice about being in the care of a woman whose only job is to birth babies.

So, my three main reasons for going to a birth center (in no particular order):

1. I want to give birth naturally. A hospital is not the best place for that because that's not their specialty. As my husband says, "You don't go into a Chinese food place and demand lasagna." A birth center is much more conducive to natural birth and the midwife has already talked to me about different ways to induce labor at home in case my water breaks and contractions don't start again.

2. The birth center is a nice mix of nature and technology. While a home birth would be cool, I'm still a little nervous about committing to one, probably due some lingering fears of childbirth. The birth center has some neonatal tools to help any babies who are struggling with the transition from womb to outside world. They also have a variety of drugs (no pain meds, though) in case something unexpected happens to me (like too much bleeding after birth).

3. Being the capitalists that we are, John and I are voting with our dollar. We don't agree with the high C-section rate of hospitals, nor with how pushy they are about drugs (any drug, not just pain medications), so we're doing something different than the norm.

And... that's all I have to say about that. :)

In other news

I listen to the radio every morning (100.7 Jack FM) to listen to my favorite show Dave, Shelley and Chainsaw. While listening yesterday I heard an advertisement for a company called "Ashley Madison" whose tag line is "Life is short. Have an affair." I thought it might have been a joke, given the morning show I listen to, so I thought nothing of it. Then I heard it again today and had to check it out. As far as I can tell, it's a real dating service that helps married people find other people with whom they can have an affair.

Nice, married people out there, real nice. Obviously they've got some business or they wouldn't have lasted this long (since 2002 according to the website). I'm not going to claim to be perfect in my marriage and everyone makes mistakes, but anyone who is frequenting this site or using its services made a mistake when they got married. Just my opinion.

10 Things for a Toddler Mom

I guess Johnny's only officially been a toddler for, what? Two months? Despite the short time frame, I already have a list of items that I find invaluable as the mother of a mobile child. They are (in order from least to most important):

10. An easy-to-lug-around diaper bag - I use a backpack. When you're carrying a screaming toddler away from the park, the last thing you want to do is juggle him and your diaper bag. My backpack stays in place on my back with little effort. LOVE.

9. Leap Frog's Scout toy - Johnny freaking loves this thing. It goes in his crib now and plays ten minutes of bedtime music when he gets ready to go to bed. If he's not quite tired enough to fall asleep or if he wakes up early in the morning, he'll sit and play with Scout until he gets sleepy and passes out. This was a gift from Grandpa and Grams Mitchell and it has been AWESOME.

8. Super Baby Foods book - This book became my bible when Johnny started on solids. It was great because it had a list of foods to try at each month of age (should be approved by your pediatrician, of course), an index of how to cook various foods, snack and recipe ideas. Now that Johnny's getting a little picky about foods, I can just open up this book, find a recipe to try and see how it goes. Everything in here is natural and pretty easy to make and I could not live without it.

7. Vita-Mix blender - I use it twice a day. That's how much I enjoy it. Seriously, getting Johnny his necessary servings of fruits and veggies has been made so much easier by this fabulous invention.

6. Munchkin snack catchers - Johnny figured out how to use his before he was one year old and it made traveling in the car and walking around the grocery store so much easier.

5. A car seat with cup holders - This is not something I was looking for in a car seat until my mom pointed one out at Babies R' Us and mentioned that it would be great for a toddler. At the time I didn't understand the value of cup holders since I had a 7-month-old who couldn't hold much in one hand or the other. Now, however, I find them exceedingly convenient. Sippy cups, snack holders, toys, etc all go in the cup holders and they turn a trip to the grocery store into a delightful 10 minutes of solace since Johnny has something to do.

4. Magnetic tot locks - After Johnny figured out our original locking mechanisms, we had to find an alternative for the cupboards in our bathroom. We keep things like medicine, mouthwash, hydrogen peroxide, and nail polish in there and have no (convenient) way to store these things out of Johnny's reach. Enter the Tot Lock by Safety 1st. Now, no one can get into our bathroom cabinets unless you have the magnetic Tot Lock key in your possession. Granted, they were a little difficult to install, but totally worth it.

3. Playtex sippy cups with straws - When we started the whole sippy cup thing, Johnny could not get the hang of the ones with the spouts. I kept having to tip them up for him so that the liquid would flow into the spout and he could suck it out. Plus, he would get frustrated because the flow was really slow through the spout. These ones with the straw AND the handles? Are perfect. Except when he turns them upside down and shakes them to empty the contents on the floor. But that's not the sippy cup's fault.

2. Ziploc storage containers - I have a zillion of the small cup-sized ones because they are *perfect* for packing a toddler-sized serving of a snack. Plus, since they are so small, several of them can fit easily into my backpack (I mentioned that Johnny's getting a little picky, right?) and take up very little room in my pantry/refrigerator.  

1. Baby gates - And I mean the kind with a gate in the barrier. We have three (one at the top of the stairs, one at the bottom of the stairs, and one between the kitchen and the formal dining room) and I go through them a million times a day. If I had to step over each one (especially since I'm pregnant) I think I would have broken my neck by now.

Just the things I get a lot of use out of on a daily basis... even though I've only had a walking child for a few months.