Dear Johnny

Dear Johnny,

You turned one year old last Monday and it has taken me a whole week to figure out what I want to say in a letter to you... or maybe it took me a whole week to recover from the elevated noise level in this house. Anyway.

I can't say that I've had an easy time learning how to be your mom, not because you were a difficult baby, but I guess because I wasn't prepared for the huge life shift that occurred when you arrived. I don't think you will comprehend how totally and completely you changed my life until you have your own child. There are not words to describe the experience of giving birth to you and watching you learn everything from head control, to feeding yourself to moving on your own. It has been a challenge learning how to mold my life around yours and to forgo my own identity and desires to meet your wants and needs. I'd like to say I'm better at it now than I was a year ago, but you're going to continue to test me in new ways and I'm going to have to figure out how best to meet those challenges.

While you have learned how to be a person this year, I have learned how to be a mommy.

While you will continue to fall and make mistakes as you grow and learn, I will also falter and make errors in judgment as I continue to grow and learn.

All I ask is that you forgive me for anything you may remember later in life... hopefully what they say about childhood trauma does not have anything to do with forgetting to change your diaper until you are totally soaked from your belly button down... but I digress.

I appreciate how much you laugh and smile at me when I do something silly and I love that you are such a busybody. Yes, sometimes I get irritated that you figured out how to open our childproofed cabinets or that you found those scissors I was SURE were in a different place, but I suppose that's all part of being a boy-mom, right? Hopefully you won't be teaching these inconvenient behaviors to your sibling who will be coming along shortly. I'm so excited to see how you fall into your role as big brother (and really hope you learn the command to be "gentle" before we bring home a newborn). I can't wait to see how you two interact and play with each other and if you will protect him/her because you are the big brother. Just remember that I won't love you any less because there is a new baby in the house and I hope you remember that forever.

I hope that you retain your sense of adventure and enjoy exploring new places as much as you do now.

I hope that you continue to find pleasure in the small things like bubbles and dogs.

I hope that you will always laugh when I'm trying to be funny... even when you get older and my jokes are just corny.

I hope that you enjoy being my son as much as I enjoy being your mommy.

I love you very much, Johnny, and can't wait to see what the next year brings!

Love,
Mommy